There are many factors that contribute to creating and maintaining a healthy relationship. In this episode, I share three signs that your relationship is on a healthy course of progress and growth!
Fake news, fake body parts, fake friends, nowadays it seems everything, and everybody is fake! So how do you find out who's real and genuinely supports you, without wasting your time and effort? In this episode, I'll give you that answer, and share with you the one thing in life that will truly expose people for what they are, and prove how committed they are to being there for you no matter what.
Ok, so my intention with this post is NOT for you to learn how to make your wife actually cheat on you. However, I wanted to get your attention and warn you about some of the things that could lead to that happening before it actually does. As a counselor, life coach, psychologist, and single (non-married) man, I have spent much of my adult life analyzing and studying what works, and what doesn’t work when it comes to intimate romantic relationships. I have done this in an attempt to become an expert in that area of my personal, as well as professional life. This research includes my own experiences in relationships (successes and failures), as well as that of the relationships of married individuals I have had the privilege of working with, getting to know, and learning from over the years. One area I am particularly interested in is how to keep a marriage passionate and fulfilling for both people over time.
Recently, I had a very personal conversation with a good friend of mine, and with his wife (I spoke to them separately), who have been married for over 10 years. They are happy people, they get along great, they have two amazing children and a beautiful home together. On the surface, all is well and everything looks perfect. It’s only after having a very real conversation with them that they opened up to me about some of their concerns and what they feel is missing as far as intimacy in the relationship. What was confirmed to me in those conversations (along with what I have learned from conversations with unhappily married women over the years about what will push women away) is what prompted me to write this sarcastic “How to” blog in an attempt to inform and warn men out there about how they may be neglecting their wives and not even realize it, and about what not to do if they want their wife to feel fulfilled and satisfied in some of the ways that matter most. These four things are actually relevant in reverse and can be said for women as well, but I made this post specific to guys.
#1 Neglect Intellectual Conversation
The brain is the biggest sexual organ in the body. Stimulate the mind, and body is all yours. This applies to all couples, some more than others, but it’s relevant whether you're a talker, or not, whether you think she wants to talk, or not. Listening requires effort, so if you're listening or I should say when you're listening, she'll know it, and she'll know you're paying attention to her. Go ahead and stop genuinely listening to her for an extended period of time and watch what happens. Generally, women with mostly feminine energy want and need to feel like they are seen and understood, especially by their man. This can come from casual conversation, and genuine interest in what she is going through, thinking, feeling or what she has to say, or meaningless banter. Regardless of how, what, where, or when, the most important thing is that you are paying attention to (or at least making an effort to) what she is saying, thinking, and feeling.
#2 Stop making her feel sexy and attractive
Genuine compliments and reminders go a long way. Acknowledgment, flattery, and an ounce of genuine attention is all they want, all they need. They may appreciate it from others, and they may even get a lot of it from others, so much so that you feel like you shouldn't even bother because she already knows how attractive she is and you'll just be one of many. Wrong. Believe it or not, what I have found is that when a woman is truly into a man, what he says elicits more of a reaction in her than anyone else ever can by saying the same words. See, women often wear an attractive mask for society, and for them to feel good. This is mostly to feel good about themselves and not for attention, even though that is often a byproduct. For most men, those are the times (if at all) that they acknowledge their wives beauty. This is actually a mistake. Rule number 27: Don't just compliment the mask. Meaning don’t be that guy who only compliments the obvious. You can compliment the mask, I actually encourage it, but if you are only praising her when she “puts on the mask”, you are leaving her wanting more, and you are fooling yourself by thinking that you have made a deposit in her emotional bank account that is worth more than it really is. Get creative, be spontaneous, and find the little subtle things - those mean the most when complimenting her. Again, the most important thing is that it's coming from you.
#3 Don't take care of yourself
Let yourself go physically and watch any attraction that was there dry up (pardon the pun) and evaporate...and not necessarily for the reason you think. Sure, she will be become dissatisfied with you aesthetically and your physical appearance or attractiveness, but that is actually not what turns her off the most. The reason she's not attracted to you now has more to do with effort than it does with your physical appearance. You have to ask yourself one question, why should anyone else care about or be interested in me or how I look if I don't? When you take care of your body there is a sense of pride, responsibility, effort, and importance that you have when it comes to your physical body and your health. When you work hard or make an effort, you have something to hang your hat on, and confidence usually accompanies that effort. That confidence is helpful to you, but there is something inherently sexy and attractive about effort, dedication, determination, responsibility, and most of all, confidence. When you stop caring about your health and the shape you are in, you're implicitly sending the message to everyone else (in this case your wife) that they should stop caring as well.
#4 Fail to acknowledge her efforts
Recognition is a form of acknowledgment and is also a deposit in the emotional bank account of your partner. If you have a woman who is a giver, or a pleaser, or a caretaker, you better be sure that you make it a point to remind yourself of this so that you will let her know you appreciate it. Otherwise, you will take her for granted and she may not say anything, or even notice consciously what has changed, but on some level, she will start to resent you when she doesn't get reinforced, let alone acknowledged and appreciated.
A few disclaimers, I understand that this is a generalization and not all women will cheat on their partners even if these things occur - because she has strong beliefs, morals, or will power and that's just not the type of girl she is. However, don't put yourself in a position to find out that hard way that your woman is actually capable of something that she never imagined she would do.
Also, I understand when it comes to cheating, it can happen to anyone for a number of reasons and there is no absolute way to prevent it from happening. However, these 4 things will absolutely increase the likelihood that your women looks else where or turns to someone else to meet her basic needs.
Two actions or approaches you can do to off set or prevent these 4 things from happening before you know it are:
1. Remember what you did at the benign of the relationship when you were that new guy trying to win her over or impress her. What did you do back then? What ever that is, start doing that again, but now you can add a twist or a splash of all that you have learned about her since then. Be spontaneous, unpredictable, and creative.
2. Wake up everyday and compete for your woman. Do the things and say the things that other guys would before they ever have a chance to. If your woman is fulfilled and satisfied by you because of your effort before she walks out of the door each day, then all other men become that much more irrelevant.
Being in love and being in lust are two very different experiences. In this episode, I school you with some science to help explain why both of these experiences exist, how they are both normal and natural, and what their role is in healthy relationships.
This video consists of four main talking points:
-Laying the groundwork for this distinction
-Elaborating on the details of the lust program
-Describing some observable differences between love and lust
-Discussing the role of lust & romance in long-term relationships
Quick Links to Books:
Post-Romantic Stress Disorder: What to Do When the Honeymoon Is Over
by John Bradshaw
Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love
by Helen Fisher
The Truth About Love: The Highs, the Lows, and How You Can Make It Last Forever
by Dr. Patricia Love
When it comes to relationships, there are plenty of mistakes that can be made.
In this episode, I'll share two of the biggest mistakes people make, often times without even realizing it. Here's a hint - they both have to do with "change"!
For more relationship advice and videos like this, stay connected by subscribing to my YouTube channel!